Sunday, March 28, 2004
Arab peace conference cancelled after booking clash with bingo club
A last-ditch effort to bring peace to the Middle East has been shelved after a scheduling clash with a national bingo organization.
The embarrassing gaffe came after British Prime Minister Tony Blair had persuaded Arab leaders to fly to London for an emergency summit on how to deal with the escalating Israeli/Palestinian situation, and to discuss strategy for the future of Iraq. The weekend summit was scheduled to take place at the giant NEC Center in Birmingham, but bungling Blair was told by red-faced officials that the venue was double booked.
The West Midlands Bingo Society had pre-booked the Center back in September 2003 to host their annual Mega Millions Cash Pot National Eyes Down Link Up. The event, which attracts thousands of money-hungry semi-addicted senior citizens, utilizes state-of-the art video conferencing technology to allow players to join the game from satellite bingo halls across Britain. Players need to achieve four full-houses to scoop the one thousand pound jackpot. Secondary prizes include a 15 pound gift certificate to Dewhurst Butchers, and an neon, illuminated bingo pen which plays the Britney Spears tune “Lucky”, upon the user whistling.
A source close to the Prime Minister said: “Tony Blair has been working the phones like mad for the past two weeks, and eventually he persuaded the most prominent leaders in the Arab world to come to London. When everybody agreed he was like the cat that had got the cream, thinking that this conference would secure his place in history as one of the 20th Century’s great world leaders. But they everything went tits-up when we found out about the bingo connection.”
While Arab leaders were boarding their government jets, British officials began to hear word of the booking fiasco. Building contractors were sent to the NEC to install translation equipment and a brand new, solid mahogany conference table. But on arrival, they were confronted by an army of irate pensioners who were listening to a pre-game Dame Vera Lynn warm-up session.
Our source continued: “When the contractors arrived they couldn’t get through the door, because some men in blue blazers were trying to maneuver a 15 foot Air-pro Ball Sucking Bingo Machine into the main conference arena. Then some of the secret service men went in to speak to the organizers, but they wouldn’t listen.”
Government officials threatened Bingo chiefs with arrest if they refused to allow the conference to take place, but the plucky pensioners refused to buckle.
Ron Sexton, President of the West Midlands Bingo Society, said: “This is outrageous. We were getting ourselves ready for the big “Eyes Down” kick-off, when all these government thugs in dark suits came in and told us to pack up our balls and leave. There’s no way were going to give up our yearly game of bingo just because a bunch of over-paid bloody Arabs are in town. They’re so rich they could probably buy this bloody conference room – we had to save up all year to hire it for a few days. If they want to solve the Middle East crisis they can bloody well go and do it somewhere else. Besides, the Arabs can’t gamble anyway so they’d be committing a sin by just walking into our bingo hall. Let that be a warning to all of them.”
Arab leaders were greeted at Heathrow airport by British diplomats and were quickly whisked away to their hotels while Tony Blair was briefed on the developing Bingo crisis.
Our source continued: “We really are in a bit of a jam. We have all these Arab leaders sitting in hotel rooms and we don’t have a clue what to do with them. The conference is scheduled to start tomorrow, but we don’t have a venue sorted out yet. Unless things improve, we’ll have to hire out a Holiday Inn and just hope for the best.”
A last-ditch effort to bring peace to the Middle East has been shelved after a scheduling clash with a national bingo organization.
The embarrassing gaffe came after British Prime Minister Tony Blair had persuaded Arab leaders to fly to London for an emergency summit on how to deal with the escalating Israeli/Palestinian situation, and to discuss strategy for the future of Iraq. The weekend summit was scheduled to take place at the giant NEC Center in Birmingham, but bungling Blair was told by red-faced officials that the venue was double booked.
The West Midlands Bingo Society had pre-booked the Center back in September 2003 to host their annual Mega Millions Cash Pot National Eyes Down Link Up. The event, which attracts thousands of money-hungry semi-addicted senior citizens, utilizes state-of-the art video conferencing technology to allow players to join the game from satellite bingo halls across Britain. Players need to achieve four full-houses to scoop the one thousand pound jackpot. Secondary prizes include a 15 pound gift certificate to Dewhurst Butchers, and an neon, illuminated bingo pen which plays the Britney Spears tune “Lucky”, upon the user whistling.
A source close to the Prime Minister said: “Tony Blair has been working the phones like mad for the past two weeks, and eventually he persuaded the most prominent leaders in the Arab world to come to London. When everybody agreed he was like the cat that had got the cream, thinking that this conference would secure his place in history as one of the 20th Century’s great world leaders. But they everything went tits-up when we found out about the bingo connection.”
While Arab leaders were boarding their government jets, British officials began to hear word of the booking fiasco. Building contractors were sent to the NEC to install translation equipment and a brand new, solid mahogany conference table. But on arrival, they were confronted by an army of irate pensioners who were listening to a pre-game Dame Vera Lynn warm-up session.
Our source continued: “When the contractors arrived they couldn’t get through the door, because some men in blue blazers were trying to maneuver a 15 foot Air-pro Ball Sucking Bingo Machine into the main conference arena. Then some of the secret service men went in to speak to the organizers, but they wouldn’t listen.”
Government officials threatened Bingo chiefs with arrest if they refused to allow the conference to take place, but the plucky pensioners refused to buckle.
Ron Sexton, President of the West Midlands Bingo Society, said: “This is outrageous. We were getting ourselves ready for the big “Eyes Down” kick-off, when all these government thugs in dark suits came in and told us to pack up our balls and leave. There’s no way were going to give up our yearly game of bingo just because a bunch of over-paid bloody Arabs are in town. They’re so rich they could probably buy this bloody conference room – we had to save up all year to hire it for a few days. If they want to solve the Middle East crisis they can bloody well go and do it somewhere else. Besides, the Arabs can’t gamble anyway so they’d be committing a sin by just walking into our bingo hall. Let that be a warning to all of them.”
Arab leaders were greeted at Heathrow airport by British diplomats and were quickly whisked away to their hotels while Tony Blair was briefed on the developing Bingo crisis.
Our source continued: “We really are in a bit of a jam. We have all these Arab leaders sitting in hotel rooms and we don’t have a clue what to do with them. The conference is scheduled to start tomorrow, but we don’t have a venue sorted out yet. Unless things improve, we’ll have to hire out a Holiday Inn and just hope for the best.”
Employees shock at Cruise split
By Jack Thorpe, Our Man in England, Britain
There was general indifference today as the employees of Almers, Pears and Pears awoke to the news of Tom Cruise's split from Penelope Cruz.
During her mid-morning coffee break, accounts facilitator Audrey Pelzer was informed of the Hollywood break-up by Sheila Drury, from sales.
"Didn't they already break up?" she asked.
Tom Dwyer, trainee supervisor, was equally non-plussed by Sheila's bombshell.
"Uh-huh," he said, before asking if anyone had seen his Alias mug.
"Was she the one in that Richard Gere movie?" asked Nita Calz, purchasing clerk, adding "I think I saw it on Tony's desk."
The topic of coversation then moved on to how Ron Stelberg in marketing is so far up Levi Hoon's ass he'd need a map to find his way out, the fat pig.
By Jack Thorpe, Our Man in England, Britain
There was general indifference today as the employees of Almers, Pears and Pears awoke to the news of Tom Cruise's split from Penelope Cruz.
During her mid-morning coffee break, accounts facilitator Audrey Pelzer was informed of the Hollywood break-up by Sheila Drury, from sales.
"Didn't they already break up?" she asked.
Tom Dwyer, trainee supervisor, was equally non-plussed by Sheila's bombshell.
"Uh-huh," he said, before asking if anyone had seen his Alias mug.
"Was she the one in that Richard Gere movie?" asked Nita Calz, purchasing clerk, adding "I think I saw it on Tony's desk."
The topic of coversation then moved on to how Ron Stelberg in marketing is so far up Levi Hoon's ass he'd need a map to find his way out, the fat pig.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Family of giant pandas found in Burt Reynolds’ arm hair
Conservationists have been popping open the champagne bottles after a family of giant pandas was found living in the arm hair of movie star Burt Reynolds.
Two adults and one baby panda were found beneath the sprawling thicket of hair on Reynolds’ left forearm, after he attended a Chinese Buffet Restaurant on Wednesday.
The near-extinct species has been all but wiped out by intensive human de-forestation activities, and attempts at breeding the puffy-eyed creatures have been largely unsuccessful. But activists claim that the “warm and moist” environment of Burt Reynolds arm hair have enabled the creatures to thrive.
World Wildlife Foundation spokesman, Dick Olive, said: “Most people know Burt Reynolds from his legendary performances in films such as Cannonball Run, and Smoky and the Bandit, but I’m sure very few people realized that his limbs offer the perfect micro-climate for endangered species to exist and grow.
“The unnatural thickness of Mr. Reynolds forearm hair gave these great bears the chance to stay warm, while remaining out of the public gaze. Pandas are notoriously shy creatures and that’s why they were attracted to the safe haven of Reynolds’ forearm follicles.”
So just how did a family of endangered bears come to take up residence in the hairy regions of one of Hollywood’s hottest actors? Environmentalists point to the year 1993, when Reynolds took a two-week vacation to China. The now widely accepted theory is that while the mustachioed maverick was taking a siesta in the sun, the opportunistic bears seized their chance.
Mr. Olive continued: “Pandas may be on the verge of extinction, but they’re sure as hell not stupid. They know a welcoming environment when they see one, and obviously Burt fitted the bill perfectly.
“Once they entered the forearm hair, they decided to make it their home which, in retrospect was a very smart move. If, for example, they’d chosen to wander up into the bicep region, or even further towards Reynolds’ wrist, they may have found the conditions too intense for survival.”
Reynolds was first alerted of the parasitic pandas when he attended an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, last Wednesday. As he settled-in to a meal of Moo Shoo Pork and bean sprouts, the ravenous bears leapt out to grab some food, blowing their cover in the process. After a brief spell of pandemonium in the restaurant, Reynolds was able to sedate the creatures by sticking them with a makeshift poison dart, which consisted of a safety pin dipped in lethally strong Turkish Raki. The animals were later picked up by Bronx Zoo officials, who whisked them away for a full medical examination.
Hot on the heels of this discovery, conservationists are appealing for Reynolds to volunteer for a full medical examination to see if any other rare species can be found living amongst the fluffy regions of his body.
Olive continued: “Who knows what other secrets Burt is holding? I could just imagine discovering a family of Bengali tigers in his sideburns, or even a family of Dodos in his underarm hair. He really is a potential environmental gold mine.”
Conservationists have been popping open the champagne bottles after a family of giant pandas was found living in the arm hair of movie star Burt Reynolds.
Two adults and one baby panda were found beneath the sprawling thicket of hair on Reynolds’ left forearm, after he attended a Chinese Buffet Restaurant on Wednesday.
The near-extinct species has been all but wiped out by intensive human de-forestation activities, and attempts at breeding the puffy-eyed creatures have been largely unsuccessful. But activists claim that the “warm and moist” environment of Burt Reynolds arm hair have enabled the creatures to thrive.
World Wildlife Foundation spokesman, Dick Olive, said: “Most people know Burt Reynolds from his legendary performances in films such as Cannonball Run, and Smoky and the Bandit, but I’m sure very few people realized that his limbs offer the perfect micro-climate for endangered species to exist and grow.
“The unnatural thickness of Mr. Reynolds forearm hair gave these great bears the chance to stay warm, while remaining out of the public gaze. Pandas are notoriously shy creatures and that’s why they were attracted to the safe haven of Reynolds’ forearm follicles.”
So just how did a family of endangered bears come to take up residence in the hairy regions of one of Hollywood’s hottest actors? Environmentalists point to the year 1993, when Reynolds took a two-week vacation to China. The now widely accepted theory is that while the mustachioed maverick was taking a siesta in the sun, the opportunistic bears seized their chance.
Mr. Olive continued: “Pandas may be on the verge of extinction, but they’re sure as hell not stupid. They know a welcoming environment when they see one, and obviously Burt fitted the bill perfectly.
“Once they entered the forearm hair, they decided to make it their home which, in retrospect was a very smart move. If, for example, they’d chosen to wander up into the bicep region, or even further towards Reynolds’ wrist, they may have found the conditions too intense for survival.”
Reynolds was first alerted of the parasitic pandas when he attended an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, last Wednesday. As he settled-in to a meal of Moo Shoo Pork and bean sprouts, the ravenous bears leapt out to grab some food, blowing their cover in the process. After a brief spell of pandemonium in the restaurant, Reynolds was able to sedate the creatures by sticking them with a makeshift poison dart, which consisted of a safety pin dipped in lethally strong Turkish Raki. The animals were later picked up by Bronx Zoo officials, who whisked them away for a full medical examination.
Hot on the heels of this discovery, conservationists are appealing for Reynolds to volunteer for a full medical examination to see if any other rare species can be found living amongst the fluffy regions of his body.
Olive continued: “Who knows what other secrets Burt is holding? I could just imagine discovering a family of Bengali tigers in his sideburns, or even a family of Dodos in his underarm hair. He really is a potential environmental gold mine.”
Monday, March 22, 2004
U.N. proposes Middle East “Dance Floor to Peace”
The United Nations has proposed a radical new plan to solve the conflict in the Middle East by pitting the Israelis against the Palestinians in a televised “dance-off”.
Delegates from the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan conjured up the idea after reading how Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake had participated in a similar dance-off at a Florida drinking establishment.
The two fresh-faced pop pixies had busted a series of body contorting dance moves to a thumping backdrop of high-voltage R'n'B music, in an attempt to settle old scores that were lingering from their tumultuous romantic relationship. The dancing dip-shits looked each other squarely in the eye while jammin’ to the heady tunes, allowing enthusiastic observers to judge who was king or queen of the floor.
While there was no clear conclusion in this instance, eager Kazakhstan officials were quick to realize the conflict-resolution potential of dance-offs.
Gradni Rzzakszkst, who initially proposed the idea, said: “Everybody loves disco. Everybody loves dance. Dancing and music brings people together. When I was seventeen my dancing skills brought me together with a pretty young thing called Olga, and after that first day I needed no more convincing. What we’re saying is let’s replace bombs with break-dance, let’s see more gyrating and fewer guns.”
Under the radical plan, leaders from the Palestinian and Israeli Governments would select one senior member from their respective administrations to represent them. The chosen ones would then be asked to choose a dance, along with suitable backing music. Finally, the two representatives would face-off under the pulsating heat of the disco lights and perform their jingoistic jig to a live Television audience. Viewers would be asked to phone in and vote, and the winner would claim the top prize of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank region.
Mr. Rzzakszkst continued: “Let’s face it, these two sides have been at each other’s throats for years and there’s no end to the violence in sight. The last attempt to sort this mess out was the Road Map to Peace, and look what that’s done - absolutely nothing. Besides, Road Maps are boring. Road Maps cause arguments between husbands and wives when they get lost. We need something more exciting, and that’s where the dance-off comes into play.”
The proposal has received lukewarm support from the Palestinians, who are quietly confident that Yasser Arafat’s reverse jitterbug could seal victory. Things are less clear on the Israeli side, but sources close to the government in Jerusalem claim that “in his day, Ariel Sharon could jive with the best of them.”
An adviser to Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat said: “Make no mistake, Yasser Arafat has got rhythm like you wouldn’t believe. When he’s not getting down on his knees for Morning Prayer, he’s getting up on his toes to songs like Rock Around The Clock and Summertime Blues. When the Israelis confined him to his compound, he’d have gone crazy if it hadn’t been for rock ‘n’ roll. All I’ll say is this. If Sharon can beat Yasser’s jitterbug, he deserves the West Bank.”
But controversy threatens to ground the plan, before it even gets off the ground. A U.S. Navy ship intercepted a Palestinian-bound fishing vessel Thursday, and found an illegally smuggled consignment of The Kids From Fame DVDs. This find has already angered the Israelis, who have threatened to withdraw from the body-popping peace plan.
A spokeswoman for Ariel Sharon said: “Arafat better play fair, or the deal’s off. If it comes to light that he’s been taking video lessons from Leroy from Fame, the credibility of this plan will be in jeopardy.”
The United Nations has proposed a radical new plan to solve the conflict in the Middle East by pitting the Israelis against the Palestinians in a televised “dance-off”.
Delegates from the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan conjured up the idea after reading how Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake had participated in a similar dance-off at a Florida drinking establishment.
The two fresh-faced pop pixies had busted a series of body contorting dance moves to a thumping backdrop of high-voltage R'n'B music, in an attempt to settle old scores that were lingering from their tumultuous romantic relationship. The dancing dip-shits looked each other squarely in the eye while jammin’ to the heady tunes, allowing enthusiastic observers to judge who was king or queen of the floor.
While there was no clear conclusion in this instance, eager Kazakhstan officials were quick to realize the conflict-resolution potential of dance-offs.
Gradni Rzzakszkst, who initially proposed the idea, said: “Everybody loves disco. Everybody loves dance. Dancing and music brings people together. When I was seventeen my dancing skills brought me together with a pretty young thing called Olga, and after that first day I needed no more convincing. What we’re saying is let’s replace bombs with break-dance, let’s see more gyrating and fewer guns.”
Under the radical plan, leaders from the Palestinian and Israeli Governments would select one senior member from their respective administrations to represent them. The chosen ones would then be asked to choose a dance, along with suitable backing music. Finally, the two representatives would face-off under the pulsating heat of the disco lights and perform their jingoistic jig to a live Television audience. Viewers would be asked to phone in and vote, and the winner would claim the top prize of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank region.
Mr. Rzzakszkst continued: “Let’s face it, these two sides have been at each other’s throats for years and there’s no end to the violence in sight. The last attempt to sort this mess out was the Road Map to Peace, and look what that’s done - absolutely nothing. Besides, Road Maps are boring. Road Maps cause arguments between husbands and wives when they get lost. We need something more exciting, and that’s where the dance-off comes into play.”
The proposal has received lukewarm support from the Palestinians, who are quietly confident that Yasser Arafat’s reverse jitterbug could seal victory. Things are less clear on the Israeli side, but sources close to the government in Jerusalem claim that “in his day, Ariel Sharon could jive with the best of them.”
An adviser to Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat said: “Make no mistake, Yasser Arafat has got rhythm like you wouldn’t believe. When he’s not getting down on his knees for Morning Prayer, he’s getting up on his toes to songs like Rock Around The Clock and Summertime Blues. When the Israelis confined him to his compound, he’d have gone crazy if it hadn’t been for rock ‘n’ roll. All I’ll say is this. If Sharon can beat Yasser’s jitterbug, he deserves the West Bank.”
But controversy threatens to ground the plan, before it even gets off the ground. A U.S. Navy ship intercepted a Palestinian-bound fishing vessel Thursday, and found an illegally smuggled consignment of The Kids From Fame DVDs. This find has already angered the Israelis, who have threatened to withdraw from the body-popping peace plan.
A spokeswoman for Ariel Sharon said: “Arafat better play fair, or the deal’s off. If it comes to light that he’s been taking video lessons from Leroy from Fame, the credibility of this plan will be in jeopardy.”
Sunday, March 21, 2004
When he can be bothered, Life Enhancement Coach to the stars, Tony Fortelli, will be patronizing Hollywood Hermit readers by offering them wholly unrealistic advice on how to live a more fruitful, and fulfilling life.
Bitch Slappin’ Life with a Flourish
By Tony Fortelli
Heeeeeeyyyy, take it easy. It’s me, Tony Fortelli. “Tony who,” you may say? Well don’t worry about it. I don’t have to waste my time explaining myself to you. But all I’ll say is this. Everybody knows what a diamond is, but not many people could tell you the chemical composition that makes up that sparkling, irresistible precious stone. I’m the guts behind the glory, I’m the engine of excellence, I’m a motor to magnificence. Take some time thinking about what I just said. You know what I’m talking about. Right? You got that? Ok, now we’ve got the introductions out of the way lets’ begin.
One of the most popular questions I hear, apart from “Can I have your phone number, grizzly bear?”, is “So Tony, exactly what the fuck do you do again?” And it’s a good question. Offensive, but good. So when I don’t reply with my fists, I answer it like this. I’m the guy that makes your stupid dreams become a semi-reality. I take your unreachable goals, and convince you that you can hit them. I fill your head so full of crap that you’ll believe you’re unbeatable, when in fact you’re simply deluded. Don’t thank me for it, it’s just who I am.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients it that, for them, life is a bitch. That’s where I come in. I’m gonna make some changes to you….yes YOU…so that instead of thinking life is a bitch, you’re going to make life your bitch.
So here’s the question that inevitably follows from my half-sharp clients. “Tony, tell me, exactly how do I make life my bitch. And once it is my bitch, what do I do with it?” Well I’m a big fan of visualization. So let’s start with this exercise. I want you to imagine that you have your very own bitch. Could be a guy, could be a girl, but for me it would be a non-English speaking Amazonian princess in a grass skirt. But I don’t care what your bitch looks like. It’s not important to this exercise, and besides, she or he ain’t ever gonna be as hot as mine.
So how do you keep that bitch in check? Well think about it, dip-shit. When your bitch speaks or acts out of turn, you gotta show some discipline. Nothing too harsh, and I always find the back of the hand tends to suffice, but nevertheless you can’t be afraid to show him or her who’s boss. Secondly, when that bitch does something positive…..like invite a few of her friends around for a lingerie party…you gotta show some appreciation by spending some quality time with her or wearing those silk boxer shorts that you know just makes her purr like a kitten in a Cat Nip jacuzzi. You getting the picture? If not, you may as well stop reading this now because I ain’t waiting around to explain.
I call this the Tony Fortelli Life is My Bitch plan. Treat life like you’d treat your bitch, and in no time life WILL be your bitch. You’ll be smarter, happier, wealthier, slimmer, better in bed, more creative and funnier. Animals will love you and you’ll gain self-respect, and more importantly respect from others.
So what are you dicks waiting for? Life isn’t just gonna spike your drink with a sedative and have its wicked way with you. You have to get out there and stroke it in all the right places, before it will even think about stroking you.
So get out there and find yourself a bitch. Any old one will do, just find somebody. And remember, don’t get too rough or you could have a criminal conviction on your hands and Tony Fortelli don’t do work with scumbag lawbreakers. On the other hand, don’t be too gentle otherwise your bitch might think there’s a chance of a serious long-time relationship – and Tony Fortelli don’t do work for sad-ass losers like that.
Ok pussycats, gotta run. I’ve got a 4 o’clock with Dom DeLuise that I can’t be late for.
Happy Bitching.
Next week Tony Fortelli will talk about his Six Drink Guide to More Self Confidence.
Bitch Slappin’ Life with a Flourish
By Tony Fortelli
Heeeeeeyyyy, take it easy. It’s me, Tony Fortelli. “Tony who,” you may say? Well don’t worry about it. I don’t have to waste my time explaining myself to you. But all I’ll say is this. Everybody knows what a diamond is, but not many people could tell you the chemical composition that makes up that sparkling, irresistible precious stone. I’m the guts behind the glory, I’m the engine of excellence, I’m a motor to magnificence. Take some time thinking about what I just said. You know what I’m talking about. Right? You got that? Ok, now we’ve got the introductions out of the way lets’ begin.
One of the most popular questions I hear, apart from “Can I have your phone number, grizzly bear?”, is “So Tony, exactly what the fuck do you do again?” And it’s a good question. Offensive, but good. So when I don’t reply with my fists, I answer it like this. I’m the guy that makes your stupid dreams become a semi-reality. I take your unreachable goals, and convince you that you can hit them. I fill your head so full of crap that you’ll believe you’re unbeatable, when in fact you’re simply deluded. Don’t thank me for it, it’s just who I am.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients it that, for them, life is a bitch. That’s where I come in. I’m gonna make some changes to you….yes YOU…so that instead of thinking life is a bitch, you’re going to make life your bitch.
So here’s the question that inevitably follows from my half-sharp clients. “Tony, tell me, exactly how do I make life my bitch. And once it is my bitch, what do I do with it?” Well I’m a big fan of visualization. So let’s start with this exercise. I want you to imagine that you have your very own bitch. Could be a guy, could be a girl, but for me it would be a non-English speaking Amazonian princess in a grass skirt. But I don’t care what your bitch looks like. It’s not important to this exercise, and besides, she or he ain’t ever gonna be as hot as mine.
So how do you keep that bitch in check? Well think about it, dip-shit. When your bitch speaks or acts out of turn, you gotta show some discipline. Nothing too harsh, and I always find the back of the hand tends to suffice, but nevertheless you can’t be afraid to show him or her who’s boss. Secondly, when that bitch does something positive…..like invite a few of her friends around for a lingerie party…you gotta show some appreciation by spending some quality time with her or wearing those silk boxer shorts that you know just makes her purr like a kitten in a Cat Nip jacuzzi. You getting the picture? If not, you may as well stop reading this now because I ain’t waiting around to explain.
I call this the Tony Fortelli Life is My Bitch plan. Treat life like you’d treat your bitch, and in no time life WILL be your bitch. You’ll be smarter, happier, wealthier, slimmer, better in bed, more creative and funnier. Animals will love you and you’ll gain self-respect, and more importantly respect from others.
So what are you dicks waiting for? Life isn’t just gonna spike your drink with a sedative and have its wicked way with you. You have to get out there and stroke it in all the right places, before it will even think about stroking you.
So get out there and find yourself a bitch. Any old one will do, just find somebody. And remember, don’t get too rough or you could have a criminal conviction on your hands and Tony Fortelli don’t do work with scumbag lawbreakers. On the other hand, don’t be too gentle otherwise your bitch might think there’s a chance of a serious long-time relationship – and Tony Fortelli don’t do work for sad-ass losers like that.
Ok pussycats, gotta run. I’ve got a 4 o’clock with Dom DeLuise that I can’t be late for.
Happy Bitching.
Next week Tony Fortelli will talk about his Six Drink Guide to More Self Confidence.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
The following is a paid-for message by the North Korean People’s Republic Axis of Evil Members Confederation…
Isn’t it about time YOU joined the Axis of Evil?
By the Supreme Spiritual and Political Leader of the Whole World, and father of all God’s children, Kim Jong-Il
Hello my humble subjects. Firstly, let me say what a privilege it is for you to have the opportunity to listen to my groundbreaking and life-changing philosophy. I trust my words will stay with you for the rest of your life, and will inevitably change the way you think about the world.
Secondly, it is my pleasure to inform you that your country has carefully been selected to participate in an exciting new venture designed to promote the common cause of terrorism and irresponsible nuclear armament. The members-only Axis of Evil Club has been tailor-made to offer participating countries new and spectacular ways to start wars, starve populations, persecute minorities and trade in illegal and destructive weapons.
Are all those endless rules and regulations at the United Nations getting you down? Are you sick and tired of having to keep smiling at your asshole neighbors, when deep down you’d like to bomb them into next week? No problem. The Axis of Evil Club is flexible enough for you to indulge all your darkest desires and fire as many weapons of mass destruction as you see fit.
The benefits of Axis of Evil Club membership are both instant, and long lasting. From developing that long range ballistic missile that you’ve always dreamed of, to indiscriminately attacking civilians with helicopter gunships, the Axis of Evil Club gives you the freedom to govern like never before. You’ll never fall foul of embarrassing U.N resolutions or the painful restrictions of international law ever again. Explore your newfound power to destroy and unlock the hidden dictator that lies in each and every one of us.
“So, oh wondrous Guide of the Universe,” I hear you chant. “Exactly how do I join this intriguing and mysteriously alluring exclusive club?” Well we’ve made joining as easy as ‘ready, aim, fire’. Simply walk in to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell the attractive receptionist behind the desk that you’d like an Axis of Evil Club membership form. Your application will be reviewed by a friendly North Korean secret police official, who will ask you to wait in the comfort of an underground torture chamber and attach electrodes to your testicles while we process your form. It’s free to join, and all we ask is for access to your government’s top secret military records from the last fifty years.
But that’s not all. If you go to a North Korean embassy in the next 5 days, we’ll throw in a free coupon which entitles you to fifteen per cent off your next purchase of a North Korean Nodong missile. These missiles are all the rage in the Weapons of Mass Destruction black market, and they’re a stunning addition to any military arsenal.
So remember. The Axis of Evil Club is open to all countries, regardless of religion or political persuasion. So head down to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell them Kim Jong-Il sent you. Being bad has never felt so good.
What some of our members have been saying
“We went from being small-time terrorists in the 1980s, to developing our own nuclear weapons program. Thank you Club Axis of Evil.” – Iranian foreign minister
“Club Axis of Evil gave me the confidence to invade Kuwait and then to invite the Americans to attack us. It really transformed the way I think about the world.” – Saddam Hussein
“I’d be lying if I said we weren’t interested. At this stage, we’d do anything to piss-off the Yanks.” – French Ambassador to the United States.
Isn’t it about time YOU joined the Axis of Evil?
By the Supreme Spiritual and Political Leader of the Whole World, and father of all God’s children, Kim Jong-Il
Hello my humble subjects. Firstly, let me say what a privilege it is for you to have the opportunity to listen to my groundbreaking and life-changing philosophy. I trust my words will stay with you for the rest of your life, and will inevitably change the way you think about the world.
Secondly, it is my pleasure to inform you that your country has carefully been selected to participate in an exciting new venture designed to promote the common cause of terrorism and irresponsible nuclear armament. The members-only Axis of Evil Club has been tailor-made to offer participating countries new and spectacular ways to start wars, starve populations, persecute minorities and trade in illegal and destructive weapons.
Are all those endless rules and regulations at the United Nations getting you down? Are you sick and tired of having to keep smiling at your asshole neighbors, when deep down you’d like to bomb them into next week? No problem. The Axis of Evil Club is flexible enough for you to indulge all your darkest desires and fire as many weapons of mass destruction as you see fit.
The benefits of Axis of Evil Club membership are both instant, and long lasting. From developing that long range ballistic missile that you’ve always dreamed of, to indiscriminately attacking civilians with helicopter gunships, the Axis of Evil Club gives you the freedom to govern like never before. You’ll never fall foul of embarrassing U.N resolutions or the painful restrictions of international law ever again. Explore your newfound power to destroy and unlock the hidden dictator that lies in each and every one of us.
“So, oh wondrous Guide of the Universe,” I hear you chant. “Exactly how do I join this intriguing and mysteriously alluring exclusive club?” Well we’ve made joining as easy as ‘ready, aim, fire’. Simply walk in to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell the attractive receptionist behind the desk that you’d like an Axis of Evil Club membership form. Your application will be reviewed by a friendly North Korean secret police official, who will ask you to wait in the comfort of an underground torture chamber and attach electrodes to your testicles while we process your form. It’s free to join, and all we ask is for access to your government’s top secret military records from the last fifty years.
But that’s not all. If you go to a North Korean embassy in the next 5 days, we’ll throw in a free coupon which entitles you to fifteen per cent off your next purchase of a North Korean Nodong missile. These missiles are all the rage in the Weapons of Mass Destruction black market, and they’re a stunning addition to any military arsenal.
So remember. The Axis of Evil Club is open to all countries, regardless of religion or political persuasion. So head down to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell them Kim Jong-Il sent you. Being bad has never felt so good.
What some of our members have been saying
“We went from being small-time terrorists in the 1980s, to developing our own nuclear weapons program. Thank you Club Axis of Evil.” – Iranian foreign minister
“Club Axis of Evil gave me the confidence to invade Kuwait and then to invite the Americans to attack us. It really transformed the way I think about the world.” – Saddam Hussein
“I’d be lying if I said we weren’t interested. At this stage, we’d do anything to piss-off the Yanks.” – French Ambassador to the United States.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Non-Irishman celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by getting urinated on
A non-Irish native joined in with the St. Patrick’s Day festivities on Wednesday by unsuccessfully attempting to get served at an Irish bar and being urinated on by a gang of green-shirted revelers.
Rick Bradford, who was born in Wisconsin and who’s only experience with the Emerald Isle was when he bought a heavy-knit green sweater back in 1995, was coaxed out to celebrate St. Patrick’s birthday by his over-exuberant work colleagues.
With visions of Riverdancing green-eyed Gaelic beauties, and welcoming pints of velvety smooth Irish stout, the all-American Insurance consultant needed little persuasion to join his fellow employees at O’Rafferty’s in the center of town.
But his romantic visions of a high-spirited night of reckless abandon were soon dashed, when their night took a number of unexpected twists.
A startled Rick said: “All the guys in my office have been building up St. Patrick’s Day for weeks, telling me that it’s the best night of the year. Apparently one of the guys is 3 per cent Irish, and the girl who sits at the reception desk has Irish blood from her mother’s, father’s, cousin’s, nephew’s niece. So I thought what could be better than to go out with some real natives?”
But Bradford’s optimism was soon confronted with a crisis of confidence, when the enthusiastic office folk arrived at O’Rafferty’s.
Rick continued: “When we arrived there was a line of overweight, old Irish guys hugging the bar, and they kept randomly shouting incomprehensible phrases at the bar staff. Beyond the fat guys, there was a sea of bodies that were crammed together like tins of corned beef. People were spilling out of the door and nobody stood a chance in hell of actually getting served, but this normally disastrous scenario seemed to be made more acceptable by the fact that U2 and Riverdance were played at a distressingly loud volume.”
After the inauspicious opening to the evening’s festivities, Rick refused to let his spirits be dampened. But the shine on the shamrock soon became tarnished by what happened next.
He continued: “I decided to wait in line for 45 minutes and eventually I managed to get myself a half-full pint of Guinness, which I was severely overcharged for. Then I really started to enjoy myself when somebody bought out a fiddle and began playing random, poorly-strung-together notes.
“I was just about managing to forget about the constant elbowing in the ribs, when things took a turn for the worse. I forced my way out of the bar for some fresh air and was leaning up against the wall to try and shake the annoying sound of flutes from out of my ears. Next thing I knew, four men in large green top hats were pissing all over my shoes while singing “Oh Danny Boy” at the top of their voices.”
The urinating drunks quickly drained their Irish serpents, leaving an un-saintly mess on Rick’s brown, suede slip-ons.
He said: “I was a little shocked by the peeing incident, but next day my buddies convinced me that I’d actually had a really good time. After all, it’s St. Patrick’s’ Day…..and everybody has a good time on St. Patrick’s Day.”
A non-Irish native joined in with the St. Patrick’s Day festivities on Wednesday by unsuccessfully attempting to get served at an Irish bar and being urinated on by a gang of green-shirted revelers.
Rick Bradford, who was born in Wisconsin and who’s only experience with the Emerald Isle was when he bought a heavy-knit green sweater back in 1995, was coaxed out to celebrate St. Patrick’s birthday by his over-exuberant work colleagues.
With visions of Riverdancing green-eyed Gaelic beauties, and welcoming pints of velvety smooth Irish stout, the all-American Insurance consultant needed little persuasion to join his fellow employees at O’Rafferty’s in the center of town.
But his romantic visions of a high-spirited night of reckless abandon were soon dashed, when their night took a number of unexpected twists.
A startled Rick said: “All the guys in my office have been building up St. Patrick’s Day for weeks, telling me that it’s the best night of the year. Apparently one of the guys is 3 per cent Irish, and the girl who sits at the reception desk has Irish blood from her mother’s, father’s, cousin’s, nephew’s niece. So I thought what could be better than to go out with some real natives?”
But Bradford’s optimism was soon confronted with a crisis of confidence, when the enthusiastic office folk arrived at O’Rafferty’s.
Rick continued: “When we arrived there was a line of overweight, old Irish guys hugging the bar, and they kept randomly shouting incomprehensible phrases at the bar staff. Beyond the fat guys, there was a sea of bodies that were crammed together like tins of corned beef. People were spilling out of the door and nobody stood a chance in hell of actually getting served, but this normally disastrous scenario seemed to be made more acceptable by the fact that U2 and Riverdance were played at a distressingly loud volume.”
After the inauspicious opening to the evening’s festivities, Rick refused to let his spirits be dampened. But the shine on the shamrock soon became tarnished by what happened next.
He continued: “I decided to wait in line for 45 minutes and eventually I managed to get myself a half-full pint of Guinness, which I was severely overcharged for. Then I really started to enjoy myself when somebody bought out a fiddle and began playing random, poorly-strung-together notes.
“I was just about managing to forget about the constant elbowing in the ribs, when things took a turn for the worse. I forced my way out of the bar for some fresh air and was leaning up against the wall to try and shake the annoying sound of flutes from out of my ears. Next thing I knew, four men in large green top hats were pissing all over my shoes while singing “Oh Danny Boy” at the top of their voices.”
The urinating drunks quickly drained their Irish serpents, leaving an un-saintly mess on Rick’s brown, suede slip-ons.
He said: “I was a little shocked by the peeing incident, but next day my buddies convinced me that I’d actually had a really good time. After all, it’s St. Patrick’s’ Day…..and everybody has a good time on St. Patrick’s Day.”
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
New planet found orbiting Oprah Winfrey
Stunned NASA scientists have found what they believe is the solar system’s 10th planet orbiting chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.
If confirmed, the new planet would become the solar system’s most distant object, and the scientific community has already given it a name - Steakfry.
Astronomers first detected the object’s strange elliptical orbit while carrying out a routine scan of the stars with the Spitzer Space Telescope. The discovery sparked a frenzy of activity among the space research community, and this later turned to disbelief when it became clear that the planet was glued to its orbit by the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.
Winfrey’s ongoing battle of the bulge has captivated her millions of ardent fans and has served as an inspiration to dieters across the nation. But sources close to the chunky chat show diva revealed how a recent vacation to the Bahamas led to a series of high-fat indulgences. Although Winfrey privately confessed that she’d put on a few pounds, she was staggered to learn that her recent weight gain was enough to attract an 8 billion square mile circular mass of rock and ice.
Dr. Jens Lehman, who made the discovery, said: “Astronomers spend their whole careers dreaming about finding a new planet. But to find one orbiting one of the most successful women in entertainment history, is just beyond my wildest dreams. All I need now is to find Ricki Lake’s black hole and I can retire, knowing that my work is done.
“When I first saw the object, I noticed it was circling in an unusual, almost erratic pattern. Then, after further research, I realized that every time Oprah Winfrey moved around, the location of Steakfry changed. The further she moved, the more radical the change.”
Lehman’s delight grew to concern when Winfrey jetted off for a book tour of France.
He said: “When she decided to fly to France, she almost sparked a cataclysmic disaster in our solar system because this new planet was thrown so far off orbit. From a scientific point of view, I’d like to contain her to her bedroom so that she can’t spark an unwitting Armageddon.”
Physicists have been speculating about how the “Winfrey Effect” could impact the universe, and the news isn’t all good. Some believe that should Winfrey allow her weight to balloon out of control, her gravitational pull could grow and she may attract a larger planet such as Jupiter. The impact of an event on this scale could spell disaster for earth.
Andrew Eggert, Professor of Physics at Buffalo University, said: “We should forget about the campaign to end obesity amongst our kids…..instead we should be more concerned with Oprah’s eating habits. I would urge all her fans to write in to her talk show and encourage her to keep on the fruit and vegetables, because if she lets herself go we’re all doomed.
“Having one planet orbiting the human waist is not such a big deal, but if we’re not careful she could become a serious celestial player. Just stop and think for a moment what would happen if she gained 50lbs and started to attract Saturn or Jupiter. This could misalign all the planets and would almost certainly spell the end of life on earth.”
In the worst case scenario, scientists fear that Winfrey could grow powerful enough to attract the sun. But the consensus is that this is an extreme scenario, and would depend on an increase in weight of approximately 100lbs.
Last night Winfrey’s friends rallied around her and offered a dramatic show of support. Dr. Phil agreed to co-host a special edition of her chat show titled: “Is that a moon orbiting my daughter, or just her double chin?” and said he would have a series of one-on-one sessions with Oprah to discuss this unprecedented crisis.
Stunned NASA scientists have found what they believe is the solar system’s 10th planet orbiting chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.
If confirmed, the new planet would become the solar system’s most distant object, and the scientific community has already given it a name - Steakfry.
Astronomers first detected the object’s strange elliptical orbit while carrying out a routine scan of the stars with the Spitzer Space Telescope. The discovery sparked a frenzy of activity among the space research community, and this later turned to disbelief when it became clear that the planet was glued to its orbit by the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.
Winfrey’s ongoing battle of the bulge has captivated her millions of ardent fans and has served as an inspiration to dieters across the nation. But sources close to the chunky chat show diva revealed how a recent vacation to the Bahamas led to a series of high-fat indulgences. Although Winfrey privately confessed that she’d put on a few pounds, she was staggered to learn that her recent weight gain was enough to attract an 8 billion square mile circular mass of rock and ice.
Dr. Jens Lehman, who made the discovery, said: “Astronomers spend their whole careers dreaming about finding a new planet. But to find one orbiting one of the most successful women in entertainment history, is just beyond my wildest dreams. All I need now is to find Ricki Lake’s black hole and I can retire, knowing that my work is done.
“When I first saw the object, I noticed it was circling in an unusual, almost erratic pattern. Then, after further research, I realized that every time Oprah Winfrey moved around, the location of Steakfry changed. The further she moved, the more radical the change.”
Lehman’s delight grew to concern when Winfrey jetted off for a book tour of France.
He said: “When she decided to fly to France, she almost sparked a cataclysmic disaster in our solar system because this new planet was thrown so far off orbit. From a scientific point of view, I’d like to contain her to her bedroom so that she can’t spark an unwitting Armageddon.”
Physicists have been speculating about how the “Winfrey Effect” could impact the universe, and the news isn’t all good. Some believe that should Winfrey allow her weight to balloon out of control, her gravitational pull could grow and she may attract a larger planet such as Jupiter. The impact of an event on this scale could spell disaster for earth.
Andrew Eggert, Professor of Physics at Buffalo University, said: “We should forget about the campaign to end obesity amongst our kids…..instead we should be more concerned with Oprah’s eating habits. I would urge all her fans to write in to her talk show and encourage her to keep on the fruit and vegetables, because if she lets herself go we’re all doomed.
“Having one planet orbiting the human waist is not such a big deal, but if we’re not careful she could become a serious celestial player. Just stop and think for a moment what would happen if she gained 50lbs and started to attract Saturn or Jupiter. This could misalign all the planets and would almost certainly spell the end of life on earth.”
In the worst case scenario, scientists fear that Winfrey could grow powerful enough to attract the sun. But the consensus is that this is an extreme scenario, and would depend on an increase in weight of approximately 100lbs.
Last night Winfrey’s friends rallied around her and offered a dramatic show of support. Dr. Phil agreed to co-host a special edition of her chat show titled: “Is that a moon orbiting my daughter, or just her double chin?” and said he would have a series of one-on-one sessions with Oprah to discuss this unprecedented crisis.
